It would seem these highly skilled dust-mite spider construction workers have yet to unionize. Just a guess. (Source: YouTube)
Wide shot. The desert. A no trespassing sign. A Mucinex-style mucus monster is riding a unicycle. He’s hauling serious ass.
These are the opening seconds of the music video for New Found Glory’s “All Downhill From Here.”
Who are the winners and losers from this hellscape? Let’s get into it.
WINNER: Aviator Goggles
The Mucinex cousin is wearing Aviator Goggles as he unicycles his way across a lifeless terrain at a breakneck pace. Anyone in anything you’ve ever seen who is wearing Aviator Goggles is doing something immeasurably important. So you know shit is going down from the jump.
You’ll also notice they are not over his eyes. He fears not. He is prepared to die.
WINNER: The Mucinex cousin’s unicycling ability
Not to gush, but, it had to be addressed. Look at that thing go! Look at his little chubby cheeks flapping in the wind.
WINNER: Once again, polos
Two band members are rocking striped polos in the video. As noted in our Dashboard write-up, polos had a moment in the aughts, the full impacts of which may never be known. Relics from a distant past.
LOSER: Labor laws in this particular post-apocalyptic alternate universe
It would seem these highly skilled dust-mite spider construction workers have yet to unionize. Just a guess.
LOSER: This alternate unvierse’s Great Lakes region
So in this alternative universe, a sign from the Chicago Theater is in a desert and used by the dust spiders to construct a theme park from the ashes. Unless a scrapper transported the sign from Illinois to Utah or something, that’s a pretty bleak and dry outlook for the Midwest/Great Lakes region.
I guess we are to assume this is some sort of Mad Max sequel mashed up with Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle” — which is 100 percent a movie I would watch.
WINNER: Letting loose after work
There’s nothing better than cracking open a cold one with your bros, getting sucked up into an industrial tube, shot across your worksite in mid-air, smashed in the head with a baseball bat by a coworker, and sent hurling into the other direction, ultimately knocking into a giant target that is set up to electrocute another member of the working class, who is strapped to a chair.
LOSER: Everyone not using the giant platform elevator to escape to the cloud world
There’s a giant platform elevator that can go to a cloud world. Why not use it to escape? Or at the very least, use it to help in the construction of the theme park?
WINNER: Chicken suits
They’re silly. No need to overthink this one.
WINNER: The allegory of The Cave
Is that what this video is? The chicken suit is really throwing me. One of the heaven dudes is dressed in a costume resembling some of the aliens down below? You tell me.
LOSER: Jordan’s decision to give himself frosted tips during the apocalypse instead of investing in water, which I can only assume is a valuable resource in this scenario
Bold choice.
WINNER: The sun
“And you keep pulling me down,” he screams. And I just really like that part.
LOSER: Tophat man
He’s hammered. Did he give the tip to the Mucinex cousin? Because he began his death march long before construction on this project began. Something doesn’t smell right. “Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em,” I’m sure he’s saying while stumbling through the dusty remains of society.
WINNER: Anyone who can set a land speed record on a unicycle
I just can’t get over it. The video, of course, ends with the Mucinex cousin killing everyone but the band, who is making smart use of the elevator that can go to the clouds. Which is probably bad? We don’t get enough details to decide. He’s just going so fast! I’m sure all the land speed records were destroyed in the apocalypse, give that booger a medal! I’d watch that 30 For 30.
-stream or download our “All Downhill From Here” episode below-
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